Life.

It's coming at me pretty hard. I dont think im doing as well as i could be doing in school. I strive for excellence. Perfection. But lately I am falling short. I know I sound greedy because I am getting low As and high/low Bs. Its bothering me though. I need for my grades to be impeccable. Without amazing grades, Im not going to get my scholarship. We dont have the money for a University. But thats all I want. Its like this incredible pressure I have had since the 7th grade. And its not even by family . Its all me. I want to be valedvictorian. I want to go away to school and make something of myself. Consequences? Always worrying. Forever there will be a voice in the back of my mind. Did you do the homework?Are your grades OK? I freak out on myself, too. Why did you get lower than a B on this quiz? God you are so freakin stupid. Maybe its a bit harsh, but its what I do. I need to slow down. I feel like I am in the center of a tornado. Everything is spinning around me and I cant stop anything.

I Wish...

I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could tell the future. I wish I had some thing to believe in. I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything. I wish I could tell people what I think. I wish I had a pet snake. I wish I will become exactly what i want to to become. I wish people would see the error of their ways before they did them. I wish the same for me. I wish the world would stop seeing what they see and really look at whats there. I wish so many things, but most of all I wish I was your world, and not a dot on your map.

You're right.

I have been kinda careless with my blog. Julia thanks for the story. I really appreciate it(: The internet can be a real small place and i will be more careful. PS I wont be able to comment for awhile on yalls blogs or mine. Bummer. I have to blog on my moms phone for now. Really thanks Julia(:

No.

When i say it i mean it. Doesnt it bother you when someone keeps going. And going. It bothers me. For example, I really did not want to go to my stupid pointless 8th grade graduation. I understand some wont, but I will graduate high school. I dont understand why we would celebrate finishing middle. We are not done. As you can see, I feel strongly about this. Well my teacher didnt feel the same. She already didnt like me, so my strong opinions sent her over the edge. "Why arent you going? You are getting medal!" (for my in the top 5 gpa in the school) I told her why. "Oh My God. You are a waste of life. You are so smart, but you have no motivation" I, of course, got mad. I yelled (: hahahaaha. Anyway. You see? For 2 weeks, she wouldnt take no. I hate people. I hate when they dont take my no. PS sorry if it looks weird or something. Im on my moms phone.

Pit of emotions.

I feel like a black hole.
Emotions have been dumped and sucked in.
I feel nothing.
I feel everything.
Do you ever feel that way? Like nothing is the same. And it won't ever be the same.


High School.
Everything about it is amazing. My freshman class is 964. I go to a big school (:
I love the people.
Not the rude ones.
I love that there is someone and something for everybody.
Nobody is left behind.
I love that one boy hurts you and another is turning the corner, winking.
It's endless possibilities.

High school is a fresh start. Get away from the old, the worn. Get away from You. Find someone else. Find who you are, who you've been. Make who you will be.

People say "Oh find yourself"
I hate it.
It's absolutely obnoxious. It completely contradicts taking responsibility for your actions.
You make you.
And I will make myself strong. Independent. Smart. Determined. Decisive.
Everything I have always wanted to be.

"You're mad and we all know it."

Yes. I'm mad.
I'm mad at you.
But you don't understand.
You don't try to understand.
Screw it.
Screw you.

We're done.
For good.
Stop trying.
You look pathetic.
Stupid.
And I'd be stupid to take you back.

"You'll take me back. You always do."
You sound so sure.
Well.
So am I.

You're no good.
You do no good.
Stubborn.
So stubborn.
Loud.
Angry.
Rude.
See?
You're repulsive.
And I've smarted up.

Shhh..

It's a secret.
Yes. My online journal is a secret, smart, huh?

I'm not an open person. I bottle things up. It's worked so far, right?
Anyway, I don't want my friends and family to read this. I want the opinions of strangers. People who aren't fully educated on what the situation is. People who aren't trying to "protect" me. It's better this way, but they wouldn't understand.

They don't understand me.

Sorry. Although I know it doesn't help.

Welllp. My title is referring to alot.

I'm sorry to my followers and the little number of people who read my useless blog.
I really haven't been able to blog since God-only-knows when. Things have been happening, and i've been worn out. Emotionally drained. Tired.
But! Just so you you know, I still find time to read your blogs.

Julia, I'm so very sorry. About your friend. Your Panic attack. And Most of all, you had to cry in public.
I, like you, don't like things like this at all. I would be angry. Confused. Mortified. I'm really sorry.


Remember that boy that i like oh so much? Well. It didn't work out. He treated me like crap. I would call. But he would be "busy" gaming, hanging, or whatever. Never any time for me. He called me names I would be ashamed to type. I have to let go. But I dont want to. I like him so much, though I shouldn't.

He got angry. Yelled.

It hurt.
Oh well.
I guess.

Goodbyes always hurt.

Anyway, I will be blogging more, but not much more (:
I just started High School. But that will be another day.