Pit of emotions.

I feel like a black hole.
Emotions have been dumped and sucked in.
I feel nothing.
I feel everything.
Do you ever feel that way? Like nothing is the same. And it won't ever be the same.


High School.
Everything about it is amazing. My freshman class is 964. I go to a big school (:
I love the people.
Not the rude ones.
I love that there is someone and something for everybody.
Nobody is left behind.
I love that one boy hurts you and another is turning the corner, winking.
It's endless possibilities.

High school is a fresh start. Get away from the old, the worn. Get away from You. Find someone else. Find who you are, who you've been. Make who you will be.

People say "Oh find yourself"
I hate it.
It's absolutely obnoxious. It completely contradicts taking responsibility for your actions.
You make you.
And I will make myself strong. Independent. Smart. Determined. Decisive.
Everything I have always wanted to be.

"You're mad and we all know it."

Yes. I'm mad.
I'm mad at you.
But you don't understand.
You don't try to understand.
Screw it.
Screw you.

We're done.
For good.
Stop trying.
You look pathetic.
Stupid.
And I'd be stupid to take you back.

"You'll take me back. You always do."
You sound so sure.
Well.
So am I.

You're no good.
You do no good.
Stubborn.
So stubborn.
Loud.
Angry.
Rude.
See?
You're repulsive.
And I've smarted up.

Shhh..

It's a secret.
Yes. My online journal is a secret, smart, huh?

I'm not an open person. I bottle things up. It's worked so far, right?
Anyway, I don't want my friends and family to read this. I want the opinions of strangers. People who aren't fully educated on what the situation is. People who aren't trying to "protect" me. It's better this way, but they wouldn't understand.

They don't understand me.

Sorry. Although I know it doesn't help.

Welllp. My title is referring to alot.

I'm sorry to my followers and the little number of people who read my useless blog.
I really haven't been able to blog since God-only-knows when. Things have been happening, and i've been worn out. Emotionally drained. Tired.
But! Just so you you know, I still find time to read your blogs.

Julia, I'm so very sorry. About your friend. Your Panic attack. And Most of all, you had to cry in public.
I, like you, don't like things like this at all. I would be angry. Confused. Mortified. I'm really sorry.


Remember that boy that i like oh so much? Well. It didn't work out. He treated me like crap. I would call. But he would be "busy" gaming, hanging, or whatever. Never any time for me. He called me names I would be ashamed to type. I have to let go. But I dont want to. I like him so much, though I shouldn't.

He got angry. Yelled.

It hurt.
Oh well.
I guess.

Goodbyes always hurt.

Anyway, I will be blogging more, but not much more (:
I just started High School. But that will be another day.

"I love you"

"For now" I jokingly responded. "I love you, too"

But we both know. We are young. We really do feel love, stronger than adults, i believe. But it's like we are infants again. You give us something and we don't know what it is or even how to use it.
Or.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much again. I tend to do overthink simple things.
I wish i could stop myself. Tell myself, "He simply likes you. And you, him."

But to wrap it up, Thanks guys. Im so happy we're together again.
<3

Waiting.

What I'm doing now.
What I'd do forever for you.
What eats at my insides.
What makes me obsess.

Story Time.

But, It was not your fault, but mine.
And it was your heart on the line.
I really f***ed it up this time.
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?


I went out with this guy. I felt like anything was possible when we were together, and apart, he was all I could think about.
I never wanted to leave his side. But one weekend, he got wasted with his friends, and broke up with me. Im not going to lie, I was pretty upset. But not heart broken. No one will ever do that to me.

Previously, He had lied to me, saying "No, I dont do those things. Really."
But, he does. Alot apparently.

A month or two goes by. Not a sorry or an explanation. Just a hey in homeroom. All i could think was "Really? Hey? Don't you see what you are doing to me?"
But I would never tell him that.

So summer rolls around. He messaged me on facebook. Says he is really sorry for everything. For lying, and not talking to me. Said, breaking up with me was the worst thing he has ever done. He writes about how since getting drunk and high made him make such a mistake, he hasn't done it since.
Really?

But I won't be naive. I know he doesn't mean a thing.
I call. We talk for awhile. I tell him what I think about him and he takes it like a good sport. He makes me laugh and I'm right there again. Laughing like an idiot, being the happiest I've ever been.

Oh, how I miss that boy.
But I won't take him back.
Not now.

We talk everyday.
And yesterday he sent me the song "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons. (Youtube it!)
The chorus are the lyrics I wrote.
It made me cry a little. I'm such a nerd.
But It hit home I guess. And although not a day goes by where I don't think about him. Now its constant. Just like the song he sent. I put it on my ipod immediately. It literally has not once stopped playing.

That's my story. A stupid story about a stupid boy. And I know it all won't matter. But It matters now. Even though I'm only fourteen.
I know it's not love. We are just in like, i guess.

The End.