Life.

It's coming at me pretty hard. I dont think im doing as well as i could be doing in school. I strive for excellence. Perfection. But lately I am falling short. I know I sound greedy because I am getting low As and high/low Bs. Its bothering me though. I need for my grades to be impeccable. Without amazing grades, Im not going to get my scholarship. We dont have the money for a University. But thats all I want. Its like this incredible pressure I have had since the 7th grade. And its not even by family . Its all me. I want to be valedvictorian. I want to go away to school and make something of myself. Consequences? Always worrying. Forever there will be a voice in the back of my mind. Did you do the homework?Are your grades OK? I freak out on myself, too. Why did you get lower than a B on this quiz? God you are so freakin stupid. Maybe its a bit harsh, but its what I do. I need to slow down. I feel like I am in the center of a tornado. Everything is spinning around me and I cant stop anything.

I Wish...

I wish I had a time machine. I wish I could tell the future. I wish I had some thing to believe in. I wish I wasn't so afraid of everything. I wish I could tell people what I think. I wish I had a pet snake. I wish I will become exactly what i want to to become. I wish people would see the error of their ways before they did them. I wish the same for me. I wish the world would stop seeing what they see and really look at whats there. I wish so many things, but most of all I wish I was your world, and not a dot on your map.

You're right.

I have been kinda careless with my blog. Julia thanks for the story. I really appreciate it(: The internet can be a real small place and i will be more careful. PS I wont be able to comment for awhile on yalls blogs or mine. Bummer. I have to blog on my moms phone for now. Really thanks Julia(:

No.

When i say it i mean it. Doesnt it bother you when someone keeps going. And going. It bothers me. For example, I really did not want to go to my stupid pointless 8th grade graduation. I understand some wont, but I will graduate high school. I dont understand why we would celebrate finishing middle. We are not done. As you can see, I feel strongly about this. Well my teacher didnt feel the same. She already didnt like me, so my strong opinions sent her over the edge. "Why arent you going? You are getting medal!" (for my in the top 5 gpa in the school) I told her why. "Oh My God. You are a waste of life. You are so smart, but you have no motivation" I, of course, got mad. I yelled (: hahahaaha. Anyway. You see? For 2 weeks, she wouldnt take no. I hate people. I hate when they dont take my no. PS sorry if it looks weird or something. Im on my moms phone.

Pit of emotions.

I feel like a black hole.
Emotions have been dumped and sucked in.
I feel nothing.
I feel everything.
Do you ever feel that way? Like nothing is the same. And it won't ever be the same.


High School.
Everything about it is amazing. My freshman class is 964. I go to a big school (:
I love the people.
Not the rude ones.
I love that there is someone and something for everybody.
Nobody is left behind.
I love that one boy hurts you and another is turning the corner, winking.
It's endless possibilities.

High school is a fresh start. Get away from the old, the worn. Get away from You. Find someone else. Find who you are, who you've been. Make who you will be.

People say "Oh find yourself"
I hate it.
It's absolutely obnoxious. It completely contradicts taking responsibility for your actions.
You make you.
And I will make myself strong. Independent. Smart. Determined. Decisive.
Everything I have always wanted to be.

"You're mad and we all know it."

Yes. I'm mad.
I'm mad at you.
But you don't understand.
You don't try to understand.
Screw it.
Screw you.

We're done.
For good.
Stop trying.
You look pathetic.
Stupid.
And I'd be stupid to take you back.

"You'll take me back. You always do."
You sound so sure.
Well.
So am I.

You're no good.
You do no good.
Stubborn.
So stubborn.
Loud.
Angry.
Rude.
See?
You're repulsive.
And I've smarted up.

Shhh..

It's a secret.
Yes. My online journal is a secret, smart, huh?

I'm not an open person. I bottle things up. It's worked so far, right?
Anyway, I don't want my friends and family to read this. I want the opinions of strangers. People who aren't fully educated on what the situation is. People who aren't trying to "protect" me. It's better this way, but they wouldn't understand.

They don't understand me.

Sorry. Although I know it doesn't help.

Welllp. My title is referring to alot.

I'm sorry to my followers and the little number of people who read my useless blog.
I really haven't been able to blog since God-only-knows when. Things have been happening, and i've been worn out. Emotionally drained. Tired.
But! Just so you you know, I still find time to read your blogs.

Julia, I'm so very sorry. About your friend. Your Panic attack. And Most of all, you had to cry in public.
I, like you, don't like things like this at all. I would be angry. Confused. Mortified. I'm really sorry.


Remember that boy that i like oh so much? Well. It didn't work out. He treated me like crap. I would call. But he would be "busy" gaming, hanging, or whatever. Never any time for me. He called me names I would be ashamed to type. I have to let go. But I dont want to. I like him so much, though I shouldn't.

He got angry. Yelled.

It hurt.
Oh well.
I guess.

Goodbyes always hurt.

Anyway, I will be blogging more, but not much more (:
I just started High School. But that will be another day.

"I love you"

"For now" I jokingly responded. "I love you, too"

But we both know. We are young. We really do feel love, stronger than adults, i believe. But it's like we are infants again. You give us something and we don't know what it is or even how to use it.
Or.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much again. I tend to do overthink simple things.
I wish i could stop myself. Tell myself, "He simply likes you. And you, him."

But to wrap it up, Thanks guys. Im so happy we're together again.
<3

Waiting.

What I'm doing now.
What I'd do forever for you.
What eats at my insides.
What makes me obsess.

Story Time.

But, It was not your fault, but mine.
And it was your heart on the line.
I really f***ed it up this time.
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear?


I went out with this guy. I felt like anything was possible when we were together, and apart, he was all I could think about.
I never wanted to leave his side. But one weekend, he got wasted with his friends, and broke up with me. Im not going to lie, I was pretty upset. But not heart broken. No one will ever do that to me.

Previously, He had lied to me, saying "No, I dont do those things. Really."
But, he does. Alot apparently.

A month or two goes by. Not a sorry or an explanation. Just a hey in homeroom. All i could think was "Really? Hey? Don't you see what you are doing to me?"
But I would never tell him that.

So summer rolls around. He messaged me on facebook. Says he is really sorry for everything. For lying, and not talking to me. Said, breaking up with me was the worst thing he has ever done. He writes about how since getting drunk and high made him make such a mistake, he hasn't done it since.
Really?

But I won't be naive. I know he doesn't mean a thing.
I call. We talk for awhile. I tell him what I think about him and he takes it like a good sport. He makes me laugh and I'm right there again. Laughing like an idiot, being the happiest I've ever been.

Oh, how I miss that boy.
But I won't take him back.
Not now.

We talk everyday.
And yesterday he sent me the song "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons. (Youtube it!)
The chorus are the lyrics I wrote.
It made me cry a little. I'm such a nerd.
But It hit home I guess. And although not a day goes by where I don't think about him. Now its constant. Just like the song he sent. I put it on my ipod immediately. It literally has not once stopped playing.

That's my story. A stupid story about a stupid boy. And I know it all won't matter. But It matters now. Even though I'm only fourteen.
I know it's not love. We are just in like, i guess.

The End.

Fourteen.

It's my age.
It's young.
It's how old you have been for almost four days.
By the way, Happy Birthday.
It's one of the reasons I am so disappointed in you.
Your fourteen year oldself, so ready to grow up.

You love him? You're 14.
He loves you? He's 14.
I just don't understand. Right? I have never loved a man like you have?
Man?
He's a boy. You're a girl. Not much more than that.
And It's not love. It's fake. False. Not real.
Like your "relationship".

You gave yourself to him.
At 14.
Fourteen.

I thought you had a little pride.
What about that respect lecture you gave to another girl two years older than us. Who hadn't even done what you did.

At the end of the day, dear, you're a kid. Who made a mistake. You'll see when you have grown up a little.
Because you are far from it, no matter what you did with him.

Fourteen.
Your age.

Honestly.
You won't even talk to him by the end of ninth grade.
Yes. Ninth grade.
That doesn't sound so adult to me, although you think it might as well be your last year of college, seeing as the way you act.

Serious.
You act so serious.
But you shouldn't. That relationship isn't real.
You act like it all matters.
You won't remember his name in ten years.

Shame.
It's a shame.

But you love him, right?
I sure hope so.

Life as I know it.

Boring. Uneventful. Worrysome.

But that's why waiting was created. You have to wait for something exciting to come and carry you away.
I, my dearies, can not wait for this to happen.
Maybe It will be my first year of high school.
Although, I feel it should be my first year of retirement.

High school.
It's getting closer and closer. And Im not sure if im nervous. Or happy. Or sad. Maybe, Im just confused.
Confused? Really?


Anyway. A little shout out to my favorite blog writer(:
RainboRevolver!

How ironic you would write about your situaution with your friends.
Because Im the brunette.
And for awhile I have been so afraid of how the you in my situation feels.
I hate inconveniencing people. Everytime we hang out, I feel so bad.
I feel like she is thinking:
Who does she think she is? How is she going to march into my best friends life and be such great friends with her?
HELLO!
She is my best friend. Since third grade. Find someone else.

But she is my best friend, too. And she will be for a long time.

The you and me have grown into super good friends over the last two years. I'm not even sure she thinks that. But even if she did, as you are now, I wouldn't back off. And most likely the brunette won't either.

I hope this helped and you aren't angry that I wrote it.
I'm just trying to help you.

Remember!
Brunette, unlike me, sounds like she wants you out.
Show her you are not going anywhere.
But try to include her and yourself, to make blonde happy.
Try to be friends?

(:

Facts.

Funny. Little. Facts.

I love them.
Actually. I love to learn.
But not about school things.
I love stupid facts that i will never have to use.
For example. Did you know that after the average person dies, they will have dreamed 6 years?
Six. Years.
Or, that if you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will turn white?
Yep. Stupid trivia fills my brain.
I know something about just about anything.

I'm a huge dork!
&& I enjoy it.

Blondie Buns.

Me: Why do you think that?
Mallory is Offline.

And by that I mean, What the hell.

Him: Blondie Buns. I don't want to tell you. I don't want you to worry. I still love you though. :P
Daniel is Offline.

Daniel. You stupid semi colan and capital p tongue face does not make me happy.
When you say stuff like that, ITMAKESMEWORRY.
Just sayin.

Nothing.

Zero.
None.
Gone.
Nothing.

And that's all i have to blog tonight.
Absolutely nothing.
<3

Secrets.

How can we accept another to keep our secret if we have been unable to keep it ourselves.
-François de La Rochefoucauld

I read this today.
I fell in love with this today.

It makes so much sense to me.
Really. Why would people trust others with their secrets, If we can't keep them ourselves?
Telling a secret is like saying "Hey it's okay to tell my secret. I did."


I have always lived this way, but never actually thought about it.
Ha. I can't even think of 5 secrets I have told about myself (:
Is that boastful?
But I've always thought telling secrets is foolish. Maybe it's because I think too much. I'm an old soul.

But back to the point.
That french guy is a smart dude.
Don't tell your secrets. They will only come back to you.

Growing Apart.

Me: Grrrnesss. Daniel. I haven't talked to you in forever! I really wish you were on now. Hmm. Maybe, we will just talk later? But not fosho. My mom might not let me on the computer :(
Mallory is offline.

1 hour 11 minutes later

Him: i have a feeling we'll never talk/see each other again eventually.
Daniel is offline.

And just like that, my heart sank.
I really, really, hope he is wrong. But hope only goes so far, then reality steps in.

Reality is, people change, and leave, so we can learn to let go.
But that is one of the hardest lessons a person could ever learn. Letting go means goodbye. Goodbye means not seeing eachother again for years, maybe forever. And that is hard to bear. Hard to think about.

Quite frankly, it scares me.

Those little pages.

Insomnia. Fighting. Disconnection. Dissapointment. Guilt.

I wrote these words down on those little pages. In that little tablet.

"Well, since I can't blog for awhile, I will write my ideas down."
I thought this. Because that's the way my freak brain works. An emotion will run through my body and then i think. "That's bloggable." Weird. I didn't think i would love blogging as much as i do. Even if only one person will think to check it.
This might be a long post. So you can stop now if you want. But, in my opinion, the longer ones are better.

My week has been the worst.

All week long, I haven't been able to get online. And for a girl who isn't allowed a cell phone, it's the only way for me to feel an ounce of connection to the world.

And the worst part yet is, I have been a total insomniac this week. And usually when my body can't fall into that suspension of conscienceness at night, I get on the computer.

I will check Rainborevolver's and my own blog every ten minutes. (Of all the blogs i have ever visited, her's by far is the best xD )
Hmm, maybe she posted something? Maybe a comment was left on my blog?
But I'm only kidding myself when i think this.

I check formspring and aim for my buddy Daniel. Whom, i miss terribly.
Daniel!? Why aren't you on? Oh yeah, you are a normal human being with a life, so naturally, you are sleeping at 3 am.

I will read akizzillion MLIA's and some amirite's. They are fantastic.

I might read my facebook wall. Entirely. Twice.


I'm a freakin loser, huh?
But these things will keep me entertained for an hour or so, when I am finally ready for bed.

So with no computer, I was left with only movies. By the way, The Taking of Phelam 123 is a great watch, I definately recommend it if you love cussing jerks with guns (:

I guess im done for now.
Sorry if I don't blog for awhile. Problems are occuring with me, my mom, and the laptop. :D

Fear.

You're trembling. Slouching. Your arms are tucked in close. Your eyebrows are overworked, but you can't feel it. You can't feel anything, but that terrible pain in the pit of your stomach.
Eyes are darting. Darting to every shadow, around every corner, and to those things you imagined moved, but never did.
You start to sweat, and get short tempered. Nothing can help you but relief, and the knowledge that you are safe.


I have carpophobia. The fear of wrists and veins. I see wrists and i cringe. Pain runs through my body and instantly, I'm nauseous. I yell and have a fit until the culprit puts their wrists away.
It's what I'm scared most of. Weird, I know. But i can't take it. It makes me insane and angry. I hate it.

I didn't like my last post, and i wanted something better. So when my brother whipped out his wrists, It inspired me, and scared me, to write about this odd little fact about me.

What are you most afraid of?